March 10 2015
Sometimes, just simply extending kindness and taking the time to articulate encouragement and perspective can really rescue someone's day/life.
My trainer, and one of my dearest friends, really extended that to me today. I've been emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. Since getting back from vacation, I haven't been able to get back on track in any area of life, it feels like. Even portioning my chocolate bars so I could have a little bit every day wasn't something I was ready for because my "willpower and energy and focus is divided into little packets, smaller than what your chocolate is right now," as he said.
He described how when you're really in a groove - your training is working, your nutrition is working, your life is just working (like it was beginning to before holidays), you can forget how long it took and how much work it took, bit by bit, to get to that place. Then, when we take a break from everything (like we did in Mexico) we can feel like a failure when come back, because we expect ourselves to be right back at that high level of functioning, strength, energy, routine, cooking, etc., that we were before we left (even though it had taken months of work to get to that point).
He described exactly what I was feeling when I came back from Mexico - "I've gotta get back on track, get right back into it. Like. Today." Instead of allowing myself time to adjust - to cooking for ourselves again, the time change, my training (and a new training program), the busiest month I've ever had with Jamberry, a million birthday parties and social events, a new schedule for the baby and new food requirements for him, among other things. I just put pressure on myself to have it all together NOW. "I come from a mother who could run a country, and still have her personal life together." But, he asked me, how old was she when she was raising you and these observations were made? 30s-40s-50s. She'd had a whole lot more time to make mistakes, figure things out, try things, develop systems, learn, gain wisdom. How can I compare myself at 26 to her at 50, and beat myself up for not being there?
He told me to think for a second about where I was at a year or two ago, and if I could look forward at my life today, what would I feel about it? Would I feel like a failure for eating too much chocolate? No. I would say "wow. My life is more beautiful than I could have dreamed. A loving husband, a gorgeous, hilarious baby, amazing and very real friends, good health, good income, flexible schedule, and I even get abs!" An amazing article he referred me to that describes our tendency to ignore the magic of today: http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/life-is-picture-but-you-live-in-pixel.html I really encourage everyone to read this and allow it to give you some perspective for today.
Then, to top it all off, we decide to institute a new routine for the baby all at the same time. No wonder I'm tired. And no wonder I'm turning to food. But he wouldn't allow me to label myself as an emotional wreck. He wouldn't let me say "I guess I'm not past all the food drama." He started teaching me how to look at the past, as well as present struggles, with observational judgment, but no self-criticism. Meaning, take lessons from the things you're not liking in your life, notice when you're not happy with something, and make changes, based on what you've learned helps make your life "flow," but do not allow yourself to go into pressure/failure/obligation/fear mode. Making these changes will require self-discipline, but they'll come from a place of aiming for the positive, as well as being thankful for the moment - not a place of "I have to/I should/why can't I get it together??"
He says obligation and fear are in the same camp, and everything we do can be drilled down to a motivation of either fear or love. No wonder I freak out when I start to feel like "dieting," or when I feel social "obligations". I fear that binge-eating response, that loss of control, and obligation is the same as fear - it's fear of what might happen if I don't do something/if I do something. It comes from external pressure instead of an overflow of love from inside. It comes from emptiness instead of fullness.
He told me to remember why I train in the first place (and notice that when I forget these reasons, I start living in fear, and the joy is gone.). Because training makes me feel good, gives me energy to give to the world and connect with people. It fills me up. Noticing that the joy of training had been gone this week, that I'd almost been in tears at the gym, he said that that was a product of a gradual buildup of stress in other areas. And we have to be super aware to notice that kind of thing gradually building (if someone dies or we get in a car accident or our house floods, well, we know we are stressed. But when hundreds of small things slowly stress us, we may not notice we are stressed until we are in a fairly nasty place). Awareness and presence seem to be the answer to most struggles regarding our own psyches and personal lives.
"Don't be so hard on yoursel" has been a theme in my life from people I respect for years now. I remember when I worked at the bank and was super stressed about quite a few things in life, my boss, my trainer, and my mom, all right around the same time, started encouraging me, "don't be so hard on yourself!!"
I've always had a hard time believing I shouldn't be so hard on myself - after all, I know where I don't measure up, where my motives are polluted, where I could do better, where I've been selfish. But keeping my focus on those things removes all possibility of joy and success in any other area of life. Let's start turning from the actions we know are wrong, but then move forward and stop staring at those mistakes and allowing them to define us. Even if they're repeated mistakes we still struggle with, let's keep moving forward.
Another question posed to me today was "what do you do for yourself?" My first responses involved workouts, hair, nails, tanning. All fairly externally-oriented. I said I took downtime when I needed it, but I know that often my downtime isn't conducive to relaxation.
I've known for a long time that generally, surfing Facebook or watching movies or eating does not truly soothe the soul. It just puts off the feelings of the pressure of needing to deal with things - temporarily. Then, usually, my family bears the brunt of my internal stress, because I become rather impatient and abrasive. I need to be reading (the Bible and other things) and journaling. Those are things I've known I need to do for myself for a long time, and for some reason, "life" takes over, and I don't do them very often at all.
My trainer says I'm a very hard working client, very consistent with my training and nutrition, I've gotten amazing results, I'm one of the most dedicated (in many aspects of life) people he's met, and an incredibly kind, lovely person. He really emphasized the kindness. He says it's easy to forget that, but don't forget those good things about yourself because you're busy being down on yourself for not meeting your own expectations in whatever area. That was a reminder I really needed. He really extended grace to me today, and told me a bunch of really good and beautiful things he saw in me. These were much-needed encouragements to shake me out of feeling so snowed under, and instead, be thankful not only for my circumstances, but for who I am, where I'm at in life, and what makes me unique.
And, sometimes, we just need a hug, and everything in life starts to look up. At the risk of introducing a tangent here, I always thought this was a personal love-language thing, but I watched a YouTube video yesterday explaining that common to all humans, actually all primates, touch is a hugely important factor in well-being, communities, families, alliances, relationships of all kinds. Here's the video: http://youtu.be/GW5p8xOVwRo
When my husband and I rearranged the whole house yesterday to accommodate the baby's new sleeping/routine needs, and then I had a pasta/chocolate binge and started feeling like a failure, my hubby insightfully spoke also about how doing all this rearranging of furniture as well as routine has been a huge change. This was a gracious thing to say that started to validate my feelings of stress, and cracked the door open to seeing my life as a whole. Now I think I'm starting to see more of the bigger picture. No wonder small things, disruptions (perceived threats) in routine lately emotionally destabilized me - I'd had all of this stress building up in my soul, needed affirmation that I was doing a good job, needed stability since I haven't recovered from vacation.
I tend to have negative voices in my head regardless, telling me I'm not doing enough, I'm a terrible person, I need to get it together, I'm horribly selfish and proud and lazy, etc. These play in my head, and I'm sure they play even louder in times of chaos/stress/busy-ness. I suppose I'm the only one responsible to deal with those voices, and right now I believe the process is starting to learn how to do that.
A distant relative whom I've never even met messaged me randomly a week or so ago to tell me that she admired me: "You are a woman of many talents!" (Randomly, March 2, out of the blue) I am? "Yes!!! Business woman, trainer, mom!!!"
We know we're "supposed to" focus on the good in our circumstances and our spouses, to avoid resentment and achieve contentment (which sounds boring as anything), but how often do we apply this to ourselves?
How can we focus on the good in our spouses or anything/anyone else, if we assume WE are failures and just doing terribly at everything? If we really believe we are covered with God's grace and loved by Him, we have a lot to love about ourselves. If we stay in the "I'm a worm/I suck/I'm too much/I'm not enough" camp, we lose all our joy, and how then are we supposed to be able to see, appreciate, and encourage the good in those around us, manage our lives well, breathe deeply, work hard, relax fully, focus, explore topics, conquer struggles, or excel at anything worth doing?
"Contentment" has very bland connotations. We can achieve so much more than that, and it starts with awareness of our thoughts and actions, presence in every moment, gratitude for the lessons thus far and any blessing we can name.
Let's exercise the humility and vulnerability that it takes to be who we are, to be where we're at, allowing others to see us that way, in process, messy, and imperfect, so that we can learn these lessons. Let's also be gentle with and kind to ourselves. Then let's extend love to those around us.
After all, all we really have is the one pixel we are living in, and those pixels slowly create the picture.
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